I'm just trying to give you a surprise!
Why are you struggling? Well, I can't help it! I keep having
This recurring dream that you get bored with me,
And so you blindfold me and throw me in a wood chipper.
Well, then don't ever get boring.
Ahh.
But, sweetie, valentine's day isn't till tomorrow.
Aw, boy toy can't read a calendar? (grayson) giving flowers on valentine's day?
(singsongy) lame-o.
(normal voice) the day before?
Rock star! Whoo! Which reminds me...
Happy day before valentine's day, kirsten.
You know, just in case travis forgot.
He did forget.
Forget what? It's not a thing. (lowered voice) dude, why?
Don't call me "boy toy." mm.
Aw. Why are her flowers bigger than mine?
They're the same size.
Why are they the same size?
(laughs) I'm just kidding.
But fix it.
(chuckles) that is so much better.
You know, when you put love out into the world,
It always comes back to you. Watch this.
Hey, travis! You're such a great son.
I love you.
(chuckles)
Lookin' hot today, mrs. T.
Go make me some money, handsome.
Best bro in the world, everybody,
Sittin' right there.
Double frap-cap for the lovely lady.
Well...
Damn, tom.
Your garden looks good.
I know you love sticky buns, so I made these from scratch.
Wow. Thanks, tom.
Hey, gang.
(all) hi!
What a phony. Ugh.
(andy) ohh. (grayson) god, he's painful.
Circle of love. Feel it in your hearts. Step the hell off. Hey!
Well, I'm...
Ugh. I'm so annoyed.
Tomorrow's st. Valentine's day.
What saint decided that women have to put out
Just because some idiot bought them an $8 teddy bear?
(all imitate gobbling) ew.
All valentine's day means to me
Is that it is seven weeks after christmas.
I thought that was you last night.
(voice amplified) attention neighborhood idiots! (static crackling)
Christmas was seven weeks ago!
Take down your tacky lights or die!
Thank you. That is all.
I love valentine's day.
I don't care whether I get flowers or a deerskin. Ah, the deerskin was me.
No! Yeah.
Well, my worst valentine's day--
No one said her deerskin was the worst. Tell her, jules.
It's okay, laurie. Go ahead.
I'll bullet point it.
Miami. Huge party. Sex.
Turns out, not dan marino.
How about you, boy toy? What's your worst valentine's day?
I guess that would be two years ago,
When my dad died.
Well, I guess that trumps the story
About the restaurant that overcooked my swordfish.
(chuckles) well, you know, swordfish can be really dry.
It is so dry, and I had run out of water-- jules.
Yeah. Oh, sorry. So, grayson, what was your dad like?
Anyone who doesn't want to talk about this, raise your hand.
Really? I'm the only one?
No, no. Even though I asked, me, too.
Wow, grayson's even more closed off emotionally
Than the cold one here. Well, that's impossible.
I don't even think I have tear ducts.
So what's it like when grayson gets all vulnerable?
What now? I figured that with you, he feels comfortable,
He can open up. (chuckles) totally. You know, this morning
We were just talking about his childhood.
(both) oh. Yeah, he was a really sick kid.
He used to have to wear those metal braces on his legs,
Like, um, forrest gump, and, well, his sister did, too.
His mother said they used to get so tangled up that...
(chuckles) that to get 'em apart,
She'd have to use... (deep voice) a big hook...
(normal voice) and just... (clicks tongue) a hook?
Yeah. Oh.
Hmm. He doesn't open up to you, does he? No.
It makes you crazy, doesn't it? Yes.
Are you mad because she seems happy about it? Yes again.
Well... He's probably just scared. I need to let him know
That if he wants to open up to me, it's okay, you kn?
Sounds like a good plan. Yeah. Yeah. That'll work.
Mmm.
Unacceptable. I'll buy you new ones.
They were probably, like, 100 bucks.
You may keep one.
That is my gift to you.
You know what I'd really like, trav?
(whispers) what? A sexy picture.
(normal voice) what, like, ryan reynolds riding a horse
Or something? No, of you.
(chuckles) like... Sexy or...
No, like, sexy sexy.
Done!
Prepare for the heat wave. (chuckles)
I'm screwed.
Let me guess.
You guys finally kissed, and only one of you loved it.
I'm helping andy brainstorm valentine's day plans for ya.
Sometimes I see my ideas in bobby's eyes.
Were you not listening before? I hate valentine's day.
But I'm a showman. I need to wow you.
No, thanks.
Come on!
What am I supposed to do?
(sighs) there's only one way to figure it out.
(ice cubes rattle)
Oh, there's my boyfriend. My boy-frizzle.
(chuckles) people don't say "izzle" anymore. It's lame.
Well, I disagrizzle. (chuckles) I just came by
'cause I thought you might be thinking about your dad.
I just wanted to let you know that if you ever want to talk
About him with just me, my door is always open.
Like right now, for example. No, no. Here it goes.
It's closing. (chuckles) no. Psych! It's still open.
It's not even a door.
It's-- it's beads that you just walk right through.
I'm fine, jules.
Fantizzle.
Do you work at all?
I don't have time to help you
With your girlfriend's present, travis.
Ugh.
Why are you eating... (french accent) a croissant?
(normal voice) what are you, french?
Why are you drinking tea?
What are you, french?
Just give me five minutes of peace before you start in!
(whirs, pieces rattle)
Yeah, I murdered your santa claus,
And if you don't take down your stupid decorations,
The reindeer's next.
Your friends are jerks!
(whirs and clanks)
You missed one, tom!
(whirs)
Oh, damn it! Stupid circle of anger.
♪
Transcript by Addic7ed.com www.addic7ed.com
♪
It is so stubborn to say you're not to-- oh. Unbelievable. Quiet. Enough already. Shush it.
Happy valentine's day. Captain emo's been following me around yapping about romance
And vomiting "I love yous" all over me.
That's because captain emo loves you.
(gags) just let me take you out tonight.
Nope. Jules, make her go.
(chuckles) yeah, 'cause it's so easy to make this one do stuff.
Ellie, look over here! See?
If it makes you feel any better,
Grayson is bugging me today, too. (door opens and closes)
Mm. Hey.
There's my valentine.
Ohh. Anything you need today, I am on it. Mwah.
(chuckles)
Weak.
Jules is mad
'cause grayson never pours his heart out to her. It is unhealthy
To live your life bottling up your feelings inside.
(laughs) she wouldn't know. Oh. No.
Anyway, he needs to learn... Hey.
Just had to grab my glasses. What are we talking about? (gasps) my cell phone. I think it's in the car.
Hey, hey, hey. Do you mind?
I said anything for you today. (chuckles) okay.
I love you.
(robotic voice) this is what humans say
And do on valentine's day. (imitates beeps) (door opens and closes)
I know you want him to open up more, but those tiny eyes--
I mean, can tears really even fit out of them?
(normal voice) oh, my god. To see grayson cry--
I mean, that is like my... My double rainbow.
Jules, if you're patient with him,
Eventually he's gonna feel safe enough to let you in.
Yeah, I'm not waiting.
This is the anniversary of his dad's death.
I'm gonna crack that son of a bitch today.
(chuckles) sweet. Yeah, that is sweet.
I know the perfect photographer,
And I'm sorry I was being jerky earlier.
I'm on this new birth control pill,
And it slows down your cycle so much that
My time of the month only comes, like, once every 12 months.
Seriously, I feel like I'm about to get my yeariod.
(inhales deeply) catching my breath...
And we keep walking.
Look, I'm just not loving the idea
Of some random ass dude taking slutty pictures of me.
Buddy, boudoir photos are classy.
Plus, you don't have to be completely naked.
I sent a photo to this guy in iraq,
And my junk was completely covered
By a real stuffed eagle.
So patriotic. All right. Here we are.
Well, hello there. Hey, want a sneak peek
At my valentine's day gift for my houseboy benicio?
(gasps) whoa! Whoa! Ohh!
(chuckles) I know. I keep it long in the winter.
Show's over, kittens. (chuckles) ta-ta.
Promise me this won't get creepier.
(sighs) honey, I promise.
Should we start with a glass of sherry
Before you get undressed?
Okay. I was wrong.
There's so many great pictures of your dad in here. Wow.
What was he like?
He was pretty cool.
You two look so much alike.
You must see him every day
When you look in the mirror.
Not really. Want to watch tv?
Yeah, or we can watch your parents' anniversary video.
Okay. Ohh.
Look at your dad dancing with your mom.
Oh, you just see the love they have for each other.
Hey!
It's just oozing out of the screen like... Warm honey.
(sighs)
And now he's gone.
(whispers) gone forever.
Gone-zo-roonie.
(normal voice) how can this not crush you?
My mom bea died years ago,
And if someone even gets stung by a bee, I start crying.
So I'm trying to make this the perfect valentine's day
For you, and all you want is for me to break down
About my dad dying? Don't twist this around like I sound like the weird one.
(chuckles) I mean...
Ohh. I can't take a sexy picture.
Shirtless, I look like one of those hairless cats.
(laughs) your mother wants me to open up emotionally.
(chuckles) I'd rather touch my tongue to a car battery. (mouths word)
My friend nezzie did that on a dare.
Now she just sits around watching game shows
With a lady that helps her go to the bathroom. Ellie won't let me do anything! I'm a showman!
(plays chord) what's a showman without a show?!
(chord stops playing) just a man.
At least you guys have people that love you!
God! You make me so angry!
Whoa. What--
(singsongy) yeariod.
Roger that. (chuckles) she's right, though.
You guys are lucky. I'm alone tonight.
No, you're not. You're gonna take me to a fancy restaurant
And then fake-dump me so that I can get a free meal.
The ol' bitch and ditch. I'm in.
You both have been extremely helpful. Guys, if you want to be happy,
Just give the women what they want.
♪ and always give the women ♪
♪ what they want ♪
(chuckles) oh. That's good. Places!
(door closes) hey. Why aren't you dressed up?
I thought we were going to a nice restaurant. Instead of going out,
I thought we'd stay in, and I could talk about my dad,
Let it all out... If that's what you want. ♪ always give the women ♪
♪ what they want ♪ let's do this!
(andy) okay. I poured the champagne.
I bought you something nice to wear,
And then we're gonna go do the town.
Andy! I told you that I--
I wasn't talking to you. I love this coat.
So you bought another man clothes?
Check the pocket.
Ooh. A penny!
For penny can tonight. And look at the date.
"1969"!
(chuckles) I get it!
(laughs) (laughs) yeah!
Good lord.
(camera shutter clicks) travis!
Don't be nervous. It's just a picture.
I just don't even know how to stand or--
Okay, okay. Let me show you some of my favorite sexy poses, okay?
This is warming my butt by the campfire.
This one... (husky voice) yeah,
I sit backwards on a chair, 'cause I'm a rule-breaker.
Seems natural.
(normal voice) if you do have the courage to go totally nude,
This is my showstopper.
Here I am! Deal with it!
How about I lose a button?
Here's your tissues and your wine.
Now if there's an art to pouring your guts out, I'd be picasso,
So if you have any questions, just ask. Can the tv be on while we do this?
No.
Now you're gonna wrap yourself up in this cuddly blanket,
Because we want you to look all small and vulnerable.
Now don't feel weird if I start to cry along with you,
Because it's just gonna happen. Super.
Let's get this party started.
Well, my dad's name was gil. He spelled it with one "l."
His dad was also named gill, but he spelled it with two l's.
Let's fast-forward a bit, shall we?
Um, I happened to jot down a couple of questions
To get us on our way to breakdown city.
Um, were you with your dad when he passed?
Since he's in heaven, do you think that he's met my mom yet?
Oh, my god. I'm having so much fun already. (chuckles)
When I was a kid,
My dad always used to say...
I can't do this.
What? Your dad couldn't do what?
(gasps) hug you? Say "I love you"?
Throw things away? Oh, was he a hoarder?
No, jules.
♪ always give the women what they want ♪ I can't do this.
♪ unless you can't ♪
Ah. And we're out! ♪ if they want it, then do it, if they don't, still do it ♪
♪ 'cause women don't know what they want ♪
♪ 'cause it's reliable they're unsatisfiable ♪
♪ you can never give a women what they want ♪ oh, my god. I'm out.
I'm sorry, jules. I'm out.
♪ you can never give a woman ♪ (sighs) quitter!
♪ what they want ♪ (groans)
Hey!
Tom.
Does jules know you're here?
I assume so, since I just... Murdered her.
I made a joke.
Laugh! Tom's always wanting to spend time with the crew,
So I invited him in for a glass of wine.
It is just so nice to spend time with someone
Who's not afraid to-- to share their dreams and their fears.
Speaking of dreams, you were in my dream last night.
I needed a makeover, and you were like edward scissorhands,
Except that your hands were all lipstick tubes
And mascara wands.
I would love that. You were in my dream, too, jules.
Oh, what was I doing? We were making love.
Attaboy, tom. Have a good one, jules.
Actually I might not have been completely asleep,
But I fell asleep shortly afterwards.
Time to go, tom. (sighs) I get too excited when I'm here.
Oh, god. (gags)
I know it's corny to ask you this on valentine's day,
But... Karen...
(clink)
(both clenching teeth, singsongy) penny can!
(clink) yeah!
I have been calling you for 20 minutes.
Why isn't your phone on? You told me it was rude to leave my phone on during a date.
When I said I didn't want to do anything tonight,
It didn't mean I wanted to be alone
While you acted like you just got a rose
On the gay hillbilly version of "the bachelor"!
It's working.
Great. Hey, guys! Can I get my penny back?
It's 1969. (laughs)
(laughs) he gets it. (laughs)
(clicking) you know, I'm glad my date got cut short.
Yeah, this is a great father-son moment,
But why does laurie have to be here? What?
She shouldn't miss out on this just 'cause you got embarrassed.
Before, when he was posing, he just wasn't owning it, okay?
He needs to pull the camera's pants down with his eyes. This couldn't get any worse.
Cue my entrance. (chuckles) I was listening outside.
(high-pitched voice) kill me. (laughs)
Okay. Take one for me. (slaps leg)
Has anyone seen grayson?
Uh, he decided to go in to work. That jerk!
(clicking continues) honey, try to make your mouth a little bit pouty-er.
Wh-- you can see through the blindfold?
No. I'm just a little psychic.
(pops) you came to work on valentine's day?
Looks that way.
Hey, I'm sorry for pushing your buttons today.
Look why are you always trying to change me?
I love you the way you are. I don't try and change you. Well, that's because I'm not annoying.
You really want to open that door?
Nope. You see all these couples here?
We could've had a nice, romantic, normal evening,
Just like them.
After you clean the pool,
I'm gonna shave every inch of you. (clink)
(sighs) that is not a classy toast. I know you want me to be some emotional girlie man
Who loves talking about his feelings,
But that is never going to happen. I'm not an idiot.
Well, then what do you want from me?
I just want you be a little different with me
Than you are with everyone else.
Well, you ruined a perfectly magical evening.
I hope you're proud of yourself.
I am. Do you even know why you're mad at me?
Nope. I begged you to let me wow you for valentine's day,
And you said no. It was one of my crazy nos,
Like when you ask me if I want you to get me dinner,
And I say I'm never eating again.
Andy, you're just supposed to know what I want,
Even when I'm saying crazy, stupid things
That I don't mean, especially when I think I mean them.
I mean, like now. I-I don't even know what I'm saying.
(voice breaks) I really feel crazy.
Come here. (normal voice) where?
We're gonna go outside.
For the love of my life, cham-pahg-nee...
Your best friend, who shouldn't look sad...
Sorry.
And finally... Bobby, showtime!
(switch clicks)
Happy valentine's day!
You took down everyone's christmas decorations for me?
And the goldsteins' giant inflatable dreidel,
Whatever the hell that is.
I figured we'd drink a little and then burn everything. (clink)
It's perfect.
Just let me open it now.
Okay. (chuckles) ohh. I hope it looks like that one of you in the blazer.
That is so sexy. So when you said, "sexy picture,"
You meant normal sexy, not, like, a weird one
Where I'm half-naked and have a rose in my mouth or anything,
Because that would just be horrifying. (chuckles)
Oh, my god. You didn't. I have to see that right now. No, no, no, no, no.
Yes. Baby, come on. Stop! Yes. No, no. Kirsten. Wait. Wait. No, no. I'm serious.
Honey. Trav, stop. You're being ridiculous. Baby. No, no, no. I'm-- I'm serious. I'm serious. I'm serious.
(threes and nines) ♪ these fireworks to fall down ♪
(gasps)
I'm so sorry.
Okay, guys, we're out of champagne.
It's okay. I brought some.
Hey.
Jules... (bobby and andy chuckling)
I am different with you.
You just don't notice.
Remember when ellie asked me about my dad,
And I told her I didn't want to talk about it?
But when you asked me, I did want to let you in.
Remember?
What was he like?
He was pretty cool.
No way. He is different with me!
(bobby, andy, and ellie) yay! (cork pops)
(chuckles) I love you.
I love you, too.
Oh, and I, uh, I brought you a present.
A "field of dreams" dvd?
Well, yeah, when he plays catch
With his dead dad, that always makes me cry.
Thought you might wanna watch me watch it.
Right now. (chuckles) (chuckles)
This must've been horrifying for you.
My dad was there...
Laurie was blindfolded...
And then my mom came in.
I can't believe you did all of that for me.
You're awesome.
♪ it'll be like ♪
♪ three, two, one ♪
I'm sorry. I can't while it's looking at me.
♪ out to the great unknown ♪
(crackling)
♪ and for a moment I'll be free ♪
♪ until I ♪
I love you, boo.
♪ you know, explode ♪
♪ until I'm like one ♪
Is that my reindeer?
♪ until I'm like one ♪
This is amazing. (crying) you're gonna make me watch it again, aren't you?
At least two more times.
♪ fireworks ♪
(whispers) oh, come on. Let it out.
Never listen to what I want! It's always about you!
(gasps) you know what? We're done!
(sobbing) why won't you love me?!
Ma'am, uh, are you okay?
(high-pitched voice) no!
We have four kids together!
(gasps, normal voice) oh. Oh, no. Oh, no.
I don't have my purse. Order anything you'd like. It's on the house.
(sobbing) ohh. Thank you.
(whispers) hey, get me the ribs.
(normal voice) bitch!
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